Duck Hunting!

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el Ducko
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Post by el Ducko » Sun Apr 22, 2012 05:25

Changing Seasons
Here at the University of Northern South Texas, we are keen observers of the changing seasons. My students at the Department of Redundancy Department take thorough notes as the annual Monarch butterfly return migration signals the colorful tail end (or maybe, wing tip) of spring, the annual migration south to Mexico giving way to a 5-generation breeding orgy on the way back to Canada, milkweed by milkweed.

Other signs of spring transitioning to summer abound. The local fish hatchery stocks the Guadalupe River and the tail waters of Canyon Lake Dam with trout. The hatch, here too, is similar to the caddis and gingerquill hatches in northern and western climes. Termed the rubber hatch, it manifests itself in bikini-clad coeds from the local colleges, floating the rivers in inner tubes and rafts and not a whole lot else, drinking beer and distracting trout fisherman with the colorful patterns of their skimpy bathing suits.

The waters are still cool at this stage, prompting Nuestra Señora de los Piqueños Pies Frios (Our Lady of Cold Feeties) to decline river float trips in favor of staying home and floating in the spa. Characteristically, as I put sausages and fajitas on the grill and refill her margarita, she waves her hand and orders, "Turn the water temperature up, would you please?"

I comply. Even though it's already hot enough for boiling bratwurst, I crank it up another five degrees... then sense a moment of truth.

Smiling, I slip a package of crab boil into the skimmer. :lol:
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not another lawyer joke

Post by el Ducko » Wed Jun 27, 2012 14:48

Dunno what this has to do with sausage making, but at least it's not another lawyer joke.

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

(wait for it)



She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go." :mrgreen:
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Post by Chuckwagon » Wed Jun 27, 2012 23:18

Dunno what this has to do with sausage making
Hey Duck, You're in Hyde Park! It doesn't have to relate to sausage making. But I think you should take two aspirins and then seriously consider electro-shock therapy! :mrgreen: Who knows, you may recover from your current condition. Oh, you poor boy! It can't be in the water down there... because you don't have any! :shock: Why don't you come up here and shovel snow with me? :roll:

Best Wishes,
Chuckwagon
If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it probably needs more time on the grill! :D
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Post by el Ducko » Thu Jun 28, 2012 00:31

Well... I took two bourbons, instead of aspirin, and now I'm worried about fire instead of snow. Wish you could blow some of that white stuff up over the divide and onto the front range. (See other post.)
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Post by el Ducko » Fri Jul 06, 2012 03:34

In honor of the recent CERN announcement regarding the Higgs boson, we present- - :grin:

"We don't serve faster-than-light neutrinos here," said the bartender.
A neutrino walks into a bar, and sez...

I bet you saw that one coming, huh? :lol: :roll:
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Post by el Ducko » Fri Aug 10, 2012 20:00

Chinese Grocery Trans-Ocean Airlines
..................Safety Slogan................
.............and Travelers Advisory........
Image
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Shoot low, Sheriff, they's a-ridin' Shetlands

Post by el Ducko » Sun Sep 09, 2012 04:54

Slight change of plans:
Our take on Kabanosy (which, when translated, comes out "Nano-Sausage") will be elaborated by using 2 mm Shetland pony casing reinforced with duck tape. Sausages will be stuffed under salt water, off-shore. This precludes the use of collagen casing. All sausage stuffers must use a blowout preventer constructed by Halliburton, leased by BP. At this small diameter, all spices (especially caraway seeds) must be finely ground.

Prior to stuffing, the mince must be worked thoroughly enough to become sticky and develop peaks when pulled apart. This is due to development of actin and myosin, sometimes called the "Twin Peaks" of sausage production. Like the television show of the same name, overworking the sausage or the plot line may result in it becoming mushy. Worse, sausages, like television personalities, may shrink and appear somewhat flat and wrinkly as excess moisture, viewership, and sponsorship evaporate.

The phrase "Cured and Cooked" refers not to the sausage makers themselves, although consumption of alcoholic beverages while working has been known to happen. Few are cured for longer than a few days` abstention. Rather, it refers to the fact that just this once, no alcohol is added to the recipe, only to the sausage makers. Thus both sausages and sausage makers require a cold shower after smoking. Both also require a drying period. If, during that period, you see a slight accumulation of mold on the outside surface just wipe it off of him, her, or it, as this is normal.

Enjoy "Project B," folks. I know I will. :mrgreen:
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Duck Hunting!

Post by el Ducko » Thu Oct 18, 2012 17:53

Duckster versus Chuckster... wrote El Ducko. Then he exclaimed, "Yup, you heard it right- - sausages at fifty paces. I suppose it all started with CW`s joke about adding a pinch of gunpowder to everything you eat."

Chuckwagon replied, "Have you ever seen a Duck on peyote? It`s a sad, heartbreaking, and distressful picture! Ross Hill once described the "noise" from an oscilloscope as Continuous Random Amplitudinal Perturbation. I told him I always thought that was the sound of hot gasses being emitted from the south end of a northbound DUCK!"

The Duck Drama continues:

_________________________________ :roll:


A duck and a man with no trousers on walk into a bar. The duck says to the bartender in an obviously learned-from-television British accent, "My gecko and I require refreshment, My Good Man. Kindly give us beer and kabanosy. We are parched from the desert."
Image
"They don't serve yore kind around here," one of the men at the bar snarls. "Besides, you're mixin' up your commercials. AFLAC and GEICO ain't in the same ads. ...not never!" He points to the trouser-less man. "...and what about them missin' pants? No shirt, no shoes, no service. ...no pants, neither."

"Don't worry," says the duck. "He's housebroken." He steps off the man's head, onto the bar, and grabs a beer mug and a stick of kabanosy. "...unlike your English grammar," he says in impeccable accent, and sneers.

"What do you think this is, a menagerie?" the bartender says. "Git outa here, Duck! ...and take your... your..."

"Meep! Meep!" one of the other bar patrons says, imitating a roadrunner, trying to inject a little levity into the scene and avoid a confrontation. As if from nowhere, a large safe falls, crushing the man.

The bartender turns to the camera. "...a duck? ...a gecko? Why here...?" he asks. "Why does this always happen to me?"

The duck wiggles his eyebrows and replies, "Viaduct? Vy not a schicken?" and waggles the kabanosy like a cigar.

...curtain falls, enveloping all in a cloud of dust, as music plays. Coyote looks in, shakes his head, and exits stage left.
"Nyaaaaah, that's all, folks." :mrgreen:
Last edited by el Ducko on Tue Mar 18, 2014 15:26, edited 2 times in total.
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Post by ssorllih » Tue Nov 06, 2012 22:45

No department of irreproducible results?
Ross- tightwad home cook
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Post by el Ducko » Wed Nov 07, 2012 05:10

ssorllih wrote:No department of irreproducible results?
My favorite journal. Unfortunately, they built an espresso bar and expanded the comic book... excuse me, visual narrative... section of the campus library, and that particular archive had to go. :roll:

...very sad. During the demolition, the Biology Department program in Inveterate Invertebrates was inevitably inundated, the Viscera Studies career path was gutted, and the Nano-Engineering degree program was reduced to almost nothing.
:mrgreen:
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new sausage making equipment for Christmas

Post by el Ducko » Tue Dec 11, 2012 20:09

The retail store chain, "Bread, Brass, and Be Gone," announces a revolutionary new sausage making apparatus - single-shot sausages. The equipment uses tiny versions of the popular single serve Koi-Rich coffee pod system, known as the "Poddie."

It's easy to use! Just seat a pork butt on the poddie (positioning cat gut or hog casing as required), and don't forget to flush the equipment between uses. :???:

Feeding your mixture is easy. Above a row of windows, there are two screw eyes and some pads. Fold and insert apples into the windows, then press the button. :!:

Done! As you quickly saw, after Windows Ate, the Apple eye pads were still on top. :roll:

Yours in the midst of rampant consumerism,
El Ducko
:mrgreen:
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A true story - I am a sausage maker not a drug dealer

Post by markjass » Thu Jan 03, 2013 06:28

I have made a rudimentary spreadsheet and have all my recipes on it. All I do is enter the amount of meat and it calculates how much of an ingredient I need. I aim for consistency so I weigh all my ingredients.

A while back a person who came around with my best mate and saw my pocket size digital scales on the counter (weigh 0.01 of a gram) and some cure #1 (he had no idea what the pink stuff was) asked me was I a dealer. My mate and I nearly died laughing. So did he when I explained what I was doing and that I bought the scales from a NZ company online that sells herbal highs, bongs (I am not sure if that is legal) etc. The ironic thing is they are good quality and a lot cheaper than the same version sold by a prestigious Departmental store in NZ.

Just imagine what would of happened if he had said nothing and gone to the cops.

Anyone got a good sausage story. If not true a tall story will do!
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Post by ssorllih » Thu Jan 03, 2013 15:45

Things aren't always as the seem.
Ross- tightwad home cook
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News Release

Post by el Ducko » Tue Feb 19, 2013 21:23

Salt Lake City, UT - Feb.19,2013 - In a bulletin just released to AP (Avian Press) News, massive numbers of forces loyal to Comandante "El Ducko" claim to have overrun the headquarters of one "Chuckwagon," holed up in the mountains of Utah, taking his position by storm. However, in a surprise development, no one was willing to take over his position of "Supreme Moderator," so he was forced to remain in the post. Instead, occupying forces concentrated on raiding his supply of sausages and preserved meats, playing his piano in raucous manner, and ransacking the refrigerator for drink.

The conquering horde are said to have swarmed out of the Great Basin under cover of darkness. Stated one weary fowl, "We wuz misinformed- - we thought it was a wash basin." Although it was already after moonset, skies were further darkened by the avian invaders in a scene reminiscent of the locust plague of 1848. The late Carl Sagan, who could not be reached for comment because he has been dead for a number of years, stated that there must have been "billions and billions." The original witnesses of the locust plague could not be reached for verification, for the same reason.

Throughout the pre-dawn hours, sporadic attacks were carried out by ground troops down in the valley, with SAMs, so-called "Sausage to Air Missiles." As visibility improved, air superiority was secured with a squadron of Stealth-Coot Fighter/Bombers, fast-scooting ducks who, although not normally carnivorous, had been taught by the Polish Air Force to seek out and destroy stockpiles of kielbasa. As soon as these little guys had filled their bellies and been grounded by excess onboard tummy weight, a wave of Sausage-Armed Drones moved in from the northeast, cyber-commanded via those mysterious signals that guide migrating flocks of ducks on their annual flights north and south. (Why they were flying east and west on this occasion is open to interpretation but has been attributed, like so many other causes, to Martin Luther King`s "Ah Had A Dream" speech.)

The deposed Moderator wandered off after dawn, sputtering and muttering words that sounded vaguely like Latin: "Forum" and "Alternaria, Aspergillus, Botrytis, Cladosporium, Fusarium, Geotrichum, Monilia, Manoscus, Mortierella, Mucor, Neurospora, Oidium, Oosproa, Penicillium, Rhizopus, Thamnidium and such. (...or perhaps they are the names of popular video games.) Fortunately, he has been disarmed, so he does not pose an immediate threat to himself. He was last seen hitchhiking down Interstate 80 with a rucksack full of Csabai and kabanosy and summer sausage. This being winter, an all-points bulletin has been issued. Anyone spotting a tall, imposing, indisposed, deposed-looking man with a sack full of goodies, who shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of...

Oh! Wait! That was Santa Claus.
:mrgreen:
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Post by Chuckwagon » Wed Feb 20, 2013 00:47

Oh you poor, poor, man! Off your meds again eh? There, there, now ducky... we've got a pretty, brand new jacket for you. It's a little cool out here eh? Here... Your ol' friends Rocco and Iron Mike will help you put on your pretty, new, white, jacket. You must rest now Ducky. Here's a little shot from your favorite Nurse Bambi. Be brave now big boy... err... uhhhh... duck! You'll feel a little prick! Later on well have some nice electro-shock therapy for you! Doesn't that sound nice now? Relax now ducky... here we go! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee.......
If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it probably needs more time on the grill! :D
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